Anyone who knows me knows that I like to cook. And movies with things that explode. If you had to describe me as succinctly as possible, the word that would work best is “paradox.”
I like target shooting but can (and have) sewn my daughter’s torn stuffed animal. I could burn an afternoon playing a computer game but could do the same organizing the closet to make it more efficient. I can be sweet and lovable and in the next breath invoke The Look that causes fear in most land-based mammals (so I’ve been told).
Where I’m going with this “I like long walks on the beach” talk is how it relates to a completely forgettable and common event that happened a few weeks ago that got me to thinking.
One Saturday Shannon was getting her hair done and I was home with the kids. Since I had already built everything possible with the boy’s Legos and the kids were bored I figured I’d take them to the grocery store. So I load them up and head off.
While I’m there I run into a neighbor who’s there with her kid. She stops by and says “Hi” and we chat for a few minutes. I think nothing of it and go about my business.
A few weeks later the neighbor sees my wife and comments that she saw me in the grocery and was “impressed” that I was there with two kids. Really.
Superdad at the store with the kid (note the cape)
I started thinking about that and realized how that’s just a little off. Now don’t get me wrong. She didn’t say or do anything wrong and I’m certainly not put off at the compliment she gave me. But a few things popped in my mind.
Guys, could you see if you’re at the office and this new team member who happens to be a woman completes the weekly status report? She does a great job and you stop by to tell her what a good job she did, I mean, because she’s a woman?
Besides the threatened mommy-types worried that a guy can take care of crumbsnatchers, the dudes have to share the blame too. They act incompetent on purpose to avoid work. They’ll argue with some guy who spills their beer or craps on their favorite sports team, but if it’s a toddler all bets are off. They’re just kids. Pul-leeze. I’ve seen guys standing around with blank stares when their kids are crying. I mean, seriously. And from some guys I’ve witnessed their thought patterns and reasoning ability are closer than they think. They should be able to relate.
Dudes – two things you need to have at all times. Band-aids and candy. You should put Band-aids in your wallet equal to your kids x 2. Times two because as soon as one of the kids sees the other one with a band-aid, they’ll do a header off the end of the shopping cart so they can have one too. And it’s x2 because when you get home that night and have a beer you’ll forget all about that you used up some band-aids that day.
When it comes to band-aids it could be a microscopic scratch or a compound fracture but a band-aid makes it all better. No amount of reasoning will help that kid understand that the red line they think is a major injury and “blooding!” is actually a pen mark, but you slap a band-aid on them with Spiderman or Hello Kitty staring up at them, all in the world is right again. And if that doesn’t work you go to your backup. Candy.
In your car you need a bag of individually wrapped Life-Savers. They don’t melt, spoil or stink up the leather. They don’t want to leave Chuck-E-Cheese? Candy. You want quiet on the way home? Candy. You ran out of band-aids? Candy. You don’t feel like getting the remote? Candy. If something happens and you’re not sure how to calm them down, just grab those Life-Savers. You didn’t think they got that name because of how they’re shaped, did you?
Well, now I’m out of time for today’s rant. I have to get the arts and crafts ready for the kids tomorrow. We’re making a Salt Clay Dough that we’ll paint when they’re cool. And then I’m going target shooting.
